The Big Problem with Poop-Wallowing Pups

The big problem with poop-wallowing pups, I realized with a stunned shock this morning, is that I don't know how I'm going to explain this to potential housesitters (even my housemate) should I decide to, oh, say, act like a real human being and go somewhere for the weekend without my dogs.

"Yes," I can say with sincerity, "It's a truly bonding experience to have just poured milk on your cereal, settled down in your nice warm robe and comfy slippers, and opened the funny pages, when the puppy and a noxious odor waft together through the dog door and wiggle up to you to share their new-found perfume." Then I can wax raphsodic about the joys of snagging the puppy's collar, hopefully not the part that's smeared with you-know-what, trying to stuff some goodies into your pocket with the other hand so that you'll have some rewards to try to mitigate slightly the trauma that the dog is about to endure, all the while keeping the dog far away from both yourself and the furniture.

Then imagine the pleasure of escorting the dog out through the narrow gap next to the doggie door, pausing while you kick off your slippers and slip on your yard shoes (never letting go of the dog), then out the porch door, down the stairs, and over to the spigot—and of course by now she knows what's going to happen because this has happened so many times before, so she's pulling and writhing and leaping in every direction, trying to get away. Then you turn on the hose with one hand, hanging onto the dog for dear life without your wrist getting sprained, and discover that the setting on the sprayer nozzle is wrong, so you fix that.

Then you try to spray off all the vestiges of doggie yuck from the dog's back, both sides, cheeks, ears, collar--oh yeah, and under the collar, too, don't forget that, and maybe on the legs, too--and some of it's layered pretty thickly for that truly intense aroma--without actually spraying the water under force directly in her ear, and without having the crud wash down into her eyes or mouth, and meanwhile keeping your hanging bathrobe away from the dog and the hose and the water--remember one hand is fighting with the collar and the other is holding the hose and you certainly don't want to try to snag her between your knees to hold her in place.

Meanwhile, as often as possible—still holding onto the collar—you set down the hose, tell the doggie what a good girl she is, and feed her some goodies. Then get back to work, you've barely touched the surface.

Oh, yes, housesitters will love that.

Complete list of labels